Wednesday, July 18, 2012

That Time

I use the word April as if it can buffer me from reality.

"Yeah, I never unpacked my moving boxes because of what happened in April."

"Oh, it's all fallen to shit since April."


It's long been a tactic of mine.  Because avoiding saying the real words makes them not real, and because being vague somehow lessens the pain.  All the while knowing it to be a bittersweet lie and a wild,  careening sprint away from reality, arms wide open, running as fast as I can, screaming as I go.

I wonder how people have lost before and survived.  Sometimes I look at myself from above my own body, as if in third person, and wonder how I can go about such daily, mundane tasks as if life was normal.  Life will never be normal again, the other part of me scoffs at myself.  As a Gemini I've always been moody.  Since April, I've been surprising even myself.

See that?  Since April.

I see the world differently now.  I feel so much wiser, though I never wanted to be wise in this way.  I feel so much more grown up, in a final, irreversible way.  I let my mind wander to the way I wish it was instead of the way it seems to be.


Lavender Luz said...

You are expressing the same sentiments I did in a post called "Sliced" about a loss in my family. It does feel like Time will forever be divided into Before and After. Such a chasm for a line of demarcation.

Ziggy said...

I wonder if that feeling goes away... Do you have the link for your post? I tried searching for it on both blogs but wasn't able to find it.. thanks :)

Lavender Luz said...

Ziggy said...

I wrote this post on July 18, 2012. Who would have ever guessed as I was sitting there writing it, what a situation I'd be in a year later, in the same place. My dad passing just 3 days before. Life seems so cruel.