Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Cry Me A River

At some point soon after, I stopped being able to cry.  No more falling apart at the grocery store; I was cool, I was okay.  I was numb and didn't know it, nor did I know it was normal.

After a short time had passed, this not crying upset me.  "Something is wrong with me!", I would lament to my mother.  "I want to cry, but I can't."  When I finally broke down and bawled, I remembered why I had stopped crying in the first place (or so I liked to laugh it off to myself) -- crying has the concrete ability to make your eyelids the most red and hot and puffy you have ever seen them.  I'm talkin' put-you're-fingers-in-front-of-your-closed-eyes-like-it's-a-game-and-feel-the-heat-radiate-from-an-inch-away kinda cryin'. No mater the heartbreak, no matter the pain, no matter what depths of raw feelings and realities I thought I had faced -- I had never cried like that before.

4 comments:

Lavender Luz said...

Abiding...

Ziggy said...

Thank You LL.... <3

Shada said...

I completely agree with what you say about not crying feeling somehow wrong. It's been three and a half years since my dad passed away and I remember feeling that exact same way. Part of me still feels guilty for resuming back to my everyday life as though nothing has happened. Then I think with reason and realise that I shouldn't feel guilty, it doesn't mean I don't miss him and that I don't love him - we were made in a way that allows us to deal with such tragedy and move on, otherwise the whole world would fall apart.

Ziggy said...

Perfectly said, Shado. Dealing w death has brought up emotions I never even knew I had or could feel. Allah yir7amo, and may the memories you have with him continue to make you smile. xo