At some point soon after, I stopped being able to cry. No more falling apart at the grocery store; I was cool, I was okay. I was numb and didn't know it, nor did I know it was normal.
After a short time had passed, this not crying upset me. "Something is wrong with me!", I would lament to my mother. "I want to cry, but I can't." When I finally broke down and bawled, I remembered why I had stopped crying in the first place (or so I liked to laugh it off to myself) -- crying has the concrete ability to make your eyelids the most red and hot and puffy you have ever seen them. I'm talkin' put-you're-fingers-in-front-of-your-closed-eyes-like-it's-a-game-and-feel-the-heat-radiate-from-an-inch-away kinda cryin'. No mater the heartbreak, no matter the pain, no matter what depths of raw feelings and realities I thought I had faced -- I had never cried like that before.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
The Truth, Too
3 months to the day. I didn't plan this. I guess things have a way of turning out poetic sometimes.
Three months have never felt more like forever. I'm reminded of a song that goes -
"It's comin' round again,
The slowly creeping hand,
Of time and its command.
Soon enough it comes.
And settles in its place,
Its shadow in my face,
Puts pressure in my day:
This life, well it's slippin' right through my hands...
These days turned out nothing like I had planned...
Control, well it's slippin' right through my hands...
These days turned out nothing like I had planned..."
Preach.
Three months have never felt more like forever. I'm reminded of a song that goes -
"It's comin' round again,
The slowly creeping hand,
Of time and its command.
Soon enough it comes.
And settles in its place,
Its shadow in my face,
Puts pressure in my day:
This life, well it's slippin' right through my hands...
These days turned out nothing like I had planned...
Control, well it's slippin' right through my hands...
These days turned out nothing like I had planned..."
Preach.
That Time
I use the word April as if it can buffer me from reality.
"Yeah, I never unpacked my moving boxes because of what happened in April."
"Oh, it's all fallen to shit since April."
"Somethingsomethingsomething.April."
It's long been a tactic of mine. Because avoiding saying the real words makes them not real, and because being vague somehow lessens the pain. All the while knowing it to be a bittersweet lie and a wild, careening sprint away from reality, arms wide open, running as fast as I can, screaming as I go.
I wonder how people have lost before and survived. Sometimes I look at myself from above my own body, as if in third person, and wonder how I can go about such daily, mundane tasks as if life was normal. Life will never be normal again, the other part of me scoffs at myself. As a Gemini I've always been moody. Since April, I've been surprising even myself.
See that? Since April.
I see the world differently now. I feel so much wiser, though I never wanted to be wise in this way. I feel so much more grown up, in a final, irreversible way. I let my mind wander to the way I wish it was instead of the way it seems to be.
"Yeah, I never unpacked my moving boxes because of what happened in April."
"Oh, it's all fallen to shit since April."
"Somethingsomethingsomething.April."
It's long been a tactic of mine. Because avoiding saying the real words makes them not real, and because being vague somehow lessens the pain. All the while knowing it to be a bittersweet lie and a wild, careening sprint away from reality, arms wide open, running as fast as I can, screaming as I go.
I wonder how people have lost before and survived. Sometimes I look at myself from above my own body, as if in third person, and wonder how I can go about such daily, mundane tasks as if life was normal. Life will never be normal again, the other part of me scoffs at myself. As a Gemini I've always been moody. Since April, I've been surprising even myself.
See that? Since April.
I see the world differently now. I feel so much wiser, though I never wanted to be wise in this way. I feel so much more grown up, in a final, irreversible way. I let my mind wander to the way I wish it was instead of the way it seems to be.
The Truth
I never knew it was possible to miss someone in this way. This much. I don't even know where all this hurt and pain come from. I didn't think my insides were that deep.
This Moment
I swear I just saw your picture smiling at me. No, for real. It made me smile real big. Then it creeped me out for a second and I had to look behind me to make sure your ghost wasn't there. Then I admonished myself for being scared. Silly me. I walked into my room and closed the door.
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