Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Cry Me A River

At some point soon after, I stopped being able to cry.  No more falling apart at the grocery store; I was cool, I was okay.  I was numb and didn't know it, nor did I know it was normal.

After a short time had passed, this not crying upset me.  "Something is wrong with me!", I would lament to my mother.  "I want to cry, but I can't."  When I finally broke down and bawled, I remembered why I had stopped crying in the first place (or so I liked to laugh it off to myself) -- crying has the concrete ability to make your eyelids the most red and hot and puffy you have ever seen them.  I'm talkin' put-you're-fingers-in-front-of-your-closed-eyes-like-it's-a-game-and-feel-the-heat-radiate-from-an-inch-away kinda cryin'. No mater the heartbreak, no matter the pain, no matter what depths of raw feelings and realities I thought I had faced -- I had never cried like that before.

The Truth, Too

3 months to the day.  I didn't plan this.  I guess things have a  way of turning out poetic sometimes.

Three months have never felt more like forever.  I'm reminded of a song that goes -

"It's comin' round again,
The slowly creeping hand,
Of time and its command.
Soon enough it comes.
And settles in its place,
Its shadow in my face,
Puts pressure in my day:

This life, well it's slippin' right through my hands...
These days turned out nothing like I had planned...

Control, well it's slippin' right through my hands...
These days turned out nothing like I had planned..."


That Time

I use the word April as if it can buffer me from reality.

"Yeah, I never unpacked my moving boxes because of what happened in April."

"Oh, it's all fallen to shit since April."


It's long been a tactic of mine.  Because avoiding saying the real words makes them not real, and because being vague somehow lessens the pain.  All the while knowing it to be a bittersweet lie and a wild,  careening sprint away from reality, arms wide open, running as fast as I can, screaming as I go.

I wonder how people have lost before and survived.  Sometimes I look at myself from above my own body, as if in third person, and wonder how I can go about such daily, mundane tasks as if life was normal.  Life will never be normal again, the other part of me scoffs at myself.  As a Gemini I've always been moody.  Since April, I've been surprising even myself.

See that?  Since April.

I see the world differently now.  I feel so much wiser, though I never wanted to be wise in this way.  I feel so much more grown up, in a final, irreversible way.  I let my mind wander to the way I wish it was instead of the way it seems to be.

The Truth

I never knew it was possible to miss someone in this way.  This much.  I don't even know where all this hurt and pain come from.  I didn't think my insides were that deep.

This Moment

I swear I just saw your picture smiling at me. No, for real.  It made me smile real big.  Then it creeped me out for a second and I had to look behind me to make sure your ghost wasn't there.  Then I admonished myself for being scared.  Silly me.  I walked into my room and closed the door.