Airport Etiquette

If I added up all the time I spent in airports, airplanes, terminals, gates, security lines, airport magazine stands and coffee shops, I would surely be a time millionaire. That said, this is a lifestyle I choose, so I can only complain but so much. However, is it too much to ask that the ticket agents come to work with a half smile on their faces and some pep in their goddamn step? I'm not even asking for a whole smile. Listen, I know working in customer service can suck at times. I have worked retail, I have waitressed and I have bartended. I'm sure in all those years, somewhere in there, I have had a bad day or ten, but I bet you I was never a witch to any of my customers bc of it. If I can suck it up, so can you, and if you can't I'm gonna need you to get a new job. Until that happens, I'm gonna need every airport employee who woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or got in an argument with their significant other/teenage kid/mother-in-law/neighbor/dog/car/coffee maker, or just found out every person they ever said hello to is an incompetent ass, to get it together and put a half smile on their face and do their job, politely and efficiently. Please don't make me stand in line for 30 minutes, only to get to the front and hear you say "Oh, this is not the line for Detroit" and then point to the other line that just so happens to be about 40 feet long, bc trust, I will not be going to stand in it. Especially if the lines were not labeled in the first place, bc guess who wasn't doing their job?

On the flip side, airport personnel aren't the only ones holding things up. Is it too much to ask that everyone in the security line, who I'm sure has done this at least once before, do what they need to do quickly and efficiently, without making the security agent repeat him- or herself 57 times? How hard is it to take your shoes and jackets off, put them in a tray (or is it put the jacket in a tray but the shoes on the belt bc now, the new thing is that the shoes don't require a tray, but the jacket still does), take out your laptop without dropping it (which I've done) and put that in a tray, pile all your other crap on the belt, walk through the metal detector which beeps for all kinds of stuff but not the metal in your bra, so kudos to whichever genius thought of that. And by the way, I've gotten through security with a Swiss Army knife (it's my key chain) and more than 3oz of hair products on more than one occasion; does that make me a criminal? Maybe the security agent can tell me as soon as he/she is done droning on in a monotone about what goes in a tray, what goes on the belt, and how he/she won the argument with the coffee maker earlier this morning.

Last but not least, airplane passengers, can you please, for the love of everything and everyone up in heaven, but more importantly, for me and everyone else on the plane, can you please, please brush your teeth and wash your feet. On the first leg of my red-eye last night, the man next to me smelled like dirty bathroom and dirty dog. At the same time. My nostrils were so shocked they didn't know what the hell to do. They tried to run away but they really had nowhere to go. Every time he opened his mouth, all I could think was "Oh, my God, his breath smells like dog breath. Dog breath! Baaad dog breath. Good God, close your mouth!" Sleep finally took over, and hours later, on the 2nd leg of my flight, I was delighted to be treated to the smell of dirty feet. "OK," I thought, "this is just ridiculous. Is good hygiene just too much to ask for?"

Oh, and I did ask the steward to figure out who it was and kindly ask them to put there shoes back on, since my whole row was on the verge of throwing up. He smiled apologetically, then laughed nervously and said he couldn't do that. Sigh. Really? This is not where I was looking for the service with a smile to begin.